On Things I Would Make Illegal

When I am God-King of the Universe, these are things that will be illegal. With punishments swift and severe:

  • Serving a patron Pepsi when they specifically asked for Coke.

Isn’t this supposed to be the home of freedom? Isn’t this the country that invented customer service? So what is this bullshit? Coke is not Pepsi. Pepsi is not Coke. If I ask for a beef burger, am I going to get a hotdog? This would not happen, clearly. Yet, way too many times, I ask for Coke and I get Pepsi. This will not stand. My tastebuds have been long exposed to only the one type of flavored sugar water. I couldn’t change now even if I wanted to. Which I don’t. 

  • Driving with a dog on your lap.

I know, it looks cute and feels cool but, come on, you’re driving. One of the great joys of my life is seeing a car zoom past me, a dog’s happy head sticking out the back window, tongue lolling, ears flapping. Obviously, this image is slightly spoiled now I’ve seen Hereditary [spoiler] but still…for an image of uncritical, pure joy, it’s hard to beat. Unlike, say, being involved in a 5-car pile-up because someone decided to keep their pupster on their knee, got distracted, and ploughed into a minivan. Stop spoiling it for everyone, stupid owners of cute dogs.

  • Explaining science to an astronaut.

Social media has improved our lives in so many ways I can’t currently remember. One small but consistent non-improvement has been the easy access it gives Us to Them. Us being non-experts; Them being the people who actually do interesting stuff. Like astronauts. Who apparently spend much of their time on Twitter having science and space explained to them by laymen. And yes, I did mean laymen. Because it is always men. Stop it.

  • Calling Prince “overrated.”

Just no. You can not like him…you can believe he wasn’t as good as he used to be. But don’t try to be cool by saying Prince was never any good. He was good. He was great. You’re a moron.

  • People who Reply All to an email just to say “Thanks!” to the original writer.

Of the 1,034 problems I have with going to work every day, this is a minor one. But it’s persistent. How many times does my email TING with a new missive and it turns out to be just someone saying THANKS to one other person? Yet, all 300 of us on the original email get included too. It’s annoying. We’re at work because food and housing aren’t free. Please don’t make our collective time any more miserable with your tiny but persistent torture.

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