What would your adorable fluff bundles be like if they were really people? This is a question that literally no-one has asked. And so, here is my answer.

The Reverend John Henry

Sure, we have a very good backstory for The Reverend John Henry, but what he really is is a kid that never had to grow up. He’s avoided responsibility so well, he gets to lie around the house all day, barely has to lift a finger, and is still doted on by his adoring mommy. He’s enthusiastic about anything new and loves to meet new people. He’s not afraid of plastic bags anymore.

He calls himself “a foodie” but is really just extremely hungry all the time.

The one responsibility he’s given himself is making sure the back yard doesn’t get overrun with birds or other intruders. He takes that self-appointed role extremely seriously. He likes nothing better, though, than to end a day curled up surrounded by family while he shouts at the ridiculous people on the TV.

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Miss Jordan Underfoot

Miss Jordan Underfoot is an older lady with a past. In the movie of her life, she’d be played by Helen Mirren. She is the sweetest grandma around the house. And if you’re a guest, she’ll be on her best behavior. But when she meets the neighbors outside, she’s her true self: rude and angry. She complains about their noise…about the state of their yard…about them just bothering her. We prefer to keep her indoors.

When we play the music loud – OK, when I play my music loud – she makes excuses and goes to her room for a nap.

She has likely dumpster-dived in the past and will do it again if it is necessary…or just given half a chance. Sure, she’s had some health issues – not many teeth left and she can’t get around as well now because of her aching joints – but she doesn’t slow down. She manages to keep up with the young members of the household most of the time. And when she can’t, she’s happy to support JH from a distance as he rushes ahead, shouting at the birds, warning off the UPS guy, and generally keeping us safe.

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